Have you ever thought to yourself, “Boy, I really wish there was a typing tutor on my iPhone.”? I haven’t either, but someone did and decided to fill that void himself.

Alphabet Defence (v1.0) is a poor excuse for a game, The graphics are horrible, the animation is even worse and slow to boot, and the most challenge you are going to get out of this game is forcing yourself to put up with how horrible it looks for as long as possible. My personal record is feels like 3 minutes, but I am sure it is a lot less than that.  In case you are wondering why I am featuring Alphabet Defence, the answer is simple. Yes, the game is horrible, it looks horrible, it sounds horrible but it is something that no other iPhone game is… A typing tutor for your iPhone. You don’t need it, you won’t want it, but damned if it doesn’t do what it set out to do… help you increase your iPhone typing speed. So we are going to put this under “absolute shit” but with the asterisk “does something that no other iPhone game does” and it’s free, so join me in the shitfest that is Alphabet Defence and try to take it for what it is… Even though it is shit.

The Good:

• It does the one thing it sets out to do.
• It’s free
• You don’t HAVE to play it.

The Bad:

• It’s UGLY!
• The animation is horrible.
• The art is horrible.
• Playing it makes you feel bad about yourself.
• It starts off slow as molasses and I can’t stand to look at it long enough to know if it gets better.
• It take up any amount of free space on your iPhone/iPod Touch.

Overall Rating using the shit scale…

Green runny pigeon shit.